- track recommendation:
I Lived – OneRepublic
So this post might be a little overdue, mainly because my plan to get this written up two nights ago was foiled by a week of morning practice and studying for exams (I definitely did not fall asleep on the living room floor of my apartment at 7:13 pm, if that’s what you were wondering), but you know what, I can’t help but type out stuff once it piles up in my head. See what happened was, yesterday WordPress comes up to me, and he’s like, “Check it out, there’s this prompt thing, I found it, it’s kind of like an idea for you when you don’t have one. I got it for you, no, no really, I want you to have it.”
And I look at him and I’m all, “Awh, that’s really sweet of you and all, but what am I s’posed to do with this?”
“Here, look,” he says, “I called up everyone you know –”
“Everyone? Why in the world would you–”
“Hey, you shut your mouth and listen up,” he says, “Everyone, yeah, I called everyone, and I told them you’re writing something up on your blog, and I told them you know that they know it’s coming, so they’re expecting something good.”
“Well, no pressure, right?”
“They’re all gonna be reading,” he tells me. “Write what you want them to see.”
Here goes nothing:
As much as I’d like to deny it, I am a wildly unstable person. I’m pretty sure those mood ring things don’t work for me because I’m so debatably Britney-Spears-bipolar that the poor little colored piece of metal is just like, “You know what, screw this, you’re on your own sweetheart.” And if it weren’t for all of you out there, possibly reading, (yeah, that includes you, every last one of you, you know who you are), I would have lost a lot more of mind and lost it a long, long time ago. Not only do you try and keep me in check, tug the leash and tell me “Heel, bitch!”, there are pieces of all of you that inspire me everyday.
I write for each one of you. You fill my head with all the words I put to paper.
And I want to give some of those words back to you.
My fellow country girl, my heartbreaking-Nicholas-Sparks-movie-sob-parter. Let’s be honest, there’s a good possibility I would be dead were it not for you. You have saved me more times than I can count on three sets of hands, even when I didn’t deserve it and even when you sure as hell didn’t want to. And even though we’re basically the same age, sometimes I feel like you’re the big sister I’ve never had. Or maybe, you know, we were twins separated at birth, because we are sometimes so mentally in sync that we don’t even have to verbalize to communicate with one another. I mean really, half the time you know me better than I even know myself. We didn’t match up well at first, but I am so thankful for every mishap and minute of heartbreak (and shared bottles of Captain Morgan) that finally pulled us together. You give me perspective (which is impressive, considering I’m so damn hard-headed and stubborn), and even when I think myself into the worst of moods, fifteen minutes with you can pull me around a full 360 degrees. Sometimes I push you, and sometimes I tease you, but more often than all of those times put together, I aspire to make myself more like you. Jae, you are one of the most independent people I know, and when you set your mind to something, there is not one damn person in the world who can change it or keep you from where you’re going. And trust me, you are going great places.
Since freshman year, the Snooki to my Justin Bieber. The queen of sass, sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, and a certified Harris rat catcher. And as much as I love those things about you, I count myself lucky enough to know the other parts of you too. There are times when I can hold myself together, and there are times when I believe myself to be the strongest I have ever been, but for the times when I cannot be those things, I have you. Even though you sort of can’t handle when people get emotional, you have always been there to pick up my scattered pieces and match them all up again; you have held me when I’ve cried my entire heart out, you have wiped up my stupid tears and smeared makeup, and if the people who pushed me to that point ever came across you at the wrong time, you would royally jack them up. We have our arguments (and our twitter feuds), and when we butt heads it can start earthquakes that would rate a 9 on the richter scale, but even through all of these times I still always know that you will be there. You are brutally honest and always tell me exactly the way it is, even when it’s the opposite of what I want to hear. We are wildly different but still very much the same, and I am beyond grateful that our years in college have brought us together from two states that are much too far apart. I have lived with you in small, confined dorm rooms, snuggled up with you when I feel my loneliest, and laughed with you until we’re both crying and screaming over how sore our abs are. From Readings in Chinese Literature to inked adventures in Venice, you have always been there for me.
We have come from similar places, and we have felt many of the same things. Together, we have been at our highest of highs, and our lowest of lows, and we have pulled one another up from the bottom when we thought there was hardly anything left to climb for. First teammates, and then roommates, and now essentially sisters, even when we go days and weeks without seeing or talking to each other, when we come back to meet we never lose any time and always pick up right where we left off. You are so ridiculously hilarious, and I will never forget all of our nights in the Ball third floor lounge, with mega-beds and liters of coke and pies from Marie Calendar’s. And even though you’re as fiesty as they come, I feel so ridiculously protective over you sometimes, and I want to say I am so happy for you that Austin has found his way into your life to watch out for you for me (you’re one lucky duck, Austin, and you better keep ahold of her). There has been so much that you have gone through, and believe me when I say you deserve every second of happiness that you now have, and I hope that one day I might be as lucky as you too. Jessica, you are such a strong and beautiful girl, far, far more beautiful than you even know, and I love you more than anything in the world.
The King of Turlock, simple as that (literally if I meet anyone from Turlock I can pull a Bonander-name-drop and I become instantly cool, it’s great). So I know our relationship is founded primarily on video games, long nights of designated driving, trips back and forth from NorCal, and blow darts, but I truly appreciate you for a lot more than just that. If there is anything of my last relationship that I can be grateful for, it is that through all of it we became friends; as cheesy as it sounds, in the midst of all that hell last semester, I was so incredibly relieved to know I wasn’t going to lose you along with the rest of it. We joke around and have our fun, but you have been compassionate and comforting in the times when I needed it most, and you have been one of my best friends in the almost three years I have known you. Although it doesn’t always seem like it, you are such a very genuine, charismatic person (I’m pretty sure my dad is more excited to see you than me when he comes to pick me up in Turlock), and I am thankful that you transferred to Whittier back when I was a sophomore. Thank you, Eric, thank you for a lot.
Kurty. Kurtle Turtle. My secret-keeper. You know more about me than any other person at Whittier, literally, and the minute anything happens you are always the first person I have to tell. I’m not sure how it happened, sometime last year, but things just clicked and now you’re my best friend. (Sure, sometimes you’re a little bit of a jackass, but I let you get away with it). Because there have been times where I am so overwhelmed, and you are always there to listen, and you really listen; I could frantically ramble for hours and you will sit through every second of it all and still have twice as much to say when I’ve finished, and the things you say prove that in some ways you are much, much more contemplative and understanding than you seem. You have talked me out of unnecessary panics, and you have told me to pull my shit together and get back in there when I really need to, and I really appreciate all of my nonsense that you have dealt with. It goes both ways, truly, sometimes I can just tell when something is off with you and we’ll have something to discuss — the instant you say you need to talk or need any input, I drop anything and everything I can to hear what it is. You’re like my little brother, Kurt, and no matter what happens, I only want the best for you.
Four years of chlorination and here we are, has it really been that long? Honestly, it seems like yesterday we were just freshmen, and now we’ve got more stroke drills and dirty dozens under our belts than we want to remember. Haley, you are such an incredible girl, so inspirational, and you are much stronger than you think you are. You have really brought this team together with how charismatic and supportive you can be, and any time you smile or laugh the entire room lights up with how bright you shine. Ryne, you might be a little to cha for the rest of us, but you are so passionate about the things you love, and since our very first practice as Poets you have been one of the hardest workers. We may have had our ups and downs, but you are a such a great friend, and I appreciate you for that. Christopher, even though you come all the way from the other side of the country, you were made for California, and I’m so glad you came all the way out here to Whittier. You work hard and play even harder, and all the things you manage to run and accomplish all at once impresses me on a daily basis. I know you always insist that you don’t have a good “famous name”, but I can promise you that you are going big places.
If there’s one reason that I want to come back as a grad assistant, it’s to be around to coach all of you guys and see you all again. I don’t know how I managed to get a little collection of you guys, but I love each and every one of you and you’re my absolute favorites. Talya, my goodness, you are heaven sent. Everything about you is bubbly and sweet and full of pure sunshine, and you constantly brighten up all of my rough days. If I show the smallest hint of anything other than happiness, you are always there to make sure that everything is just perfect, and you are such a beautiful and loving girl. Every hug you give is one that I never want to let go, and more than anything I want to be as kind and warm-hearted and faithful as you are in everything you do. Gavin, if there’s anyone I can really be a complete and total dork around, it’s you, and that’s only one of the reasons I am so lucky to have met you. You have done so many things for me, and treated me much better than I have deserved sometimes, and I may not say it but I am so grateful to have had you there when I really needed it. Last semester would have been far more unbearable if you hadn’t been around, and I thank you so, so much for that. Jasen, you are so damn funny and I know more often than not I have really only been stupidly silly around you, but I’ve got some seriously sincere things to say for once. Recently you have been through a lot, I know, and I have been there before too, but please know that there are much, much better things coming ahead for you than the ones you leave behind. You are so sweet, Jase, and you deserve only the greatest.
With all of who I am and with all the words I can’t think to compose and articulate, I want to tell you all that I love you. Without each and every last person here, I would not be who I am now, and I am most proud to be a Whittier Poet because of all of these beautiful, wonderful, irreplaceable people that have been brought into my life. You are all so important to me, and everything I have written for you is only a fraction of what I could manage to put into coherency.
Thank you all so much for simply existing.
There are more of you that I want very desperately to write for, and I hope you know who you are, but I don’t know exactly how you would take it, or if it would be strange that I might think us to be closer than you think we actually are. More than anything, I want to tell you, (so please don’t be afraid to ask what I might have to say about you too, because I’m probably already wishing I could let you know).